Conversations Between Friends in Hell and Obama, and other fascinating conversations

Original Blog:
http://beautifulletters-bls.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html

Written in a response format. Enjoy…

Beautiful Letters

Have you ever read a letter and been amazed by its audacity, the perfection of its prose, the lyricism of its poetry, the depth of its emotion and the genius of its insights?  Well then, you’re in the right place.  Here you will find a compilation of beautiful letters.  Many of these letters are written by the rich, powerful and famous.  Some of the letters this blog will reveal over time were even written by historical figures who lived long before the English language came to be, and whose ancient texts must be laboriously translated and deciphered by the humble editor of this site for your edification.  It is my hope that you will find these letters amusing, enlightening, entertaining and perhaps occasionally challenging to your mind and sensibilities.  Please bear in mind that perhaps not all of these letters should be taken too seriously.  Very little in this life should be.  Well, here’s hoping for a successful and enjoyable venture.

Cordially,

BLS

From the desk of S. Alinsky:
Dear President Obama,
For reasons which are beyond my ken, I have been allowed to pen this brief letter to you. I hope you find it helpful in your ongoing mission on behalf of my Grand Host. It may be that he has allowed me to pen this to you as gratitude for my humble dedication of my life’s great work to him (although gratitude is not something we really see very much of down here) or because he is concerned that you are having difficulty carrying out his plan on Earth. I suppose I have been brought in as a consultant, for want of a better term. At any rate, here are a few pointers which, having studied my work as much as you have, you should already have come up with on your own.
First of all, please remember that power is what the enemy thinks you have. You have, I suspect, attributed great power to the “Tea Party” movement of the opposition. In doing so you have caused fear amongst your followers and emboldened the enemy. Quite frankly, when you attributed power to them you de facto gave power to them. This was an error. Now that your followers believe the “Tea Party” crowd has power, it has become so. You should have known this would happen.
This naturally leads to my next point. You have gone entirely outside the experience of your people. Why do you have that clown as press secretary, anyway? He’s clearly in over his head. Unfortunately, you have very few people with any military or law enforcement experience at your disposal, and its beginning to show. Confusion and fear are spreading among your camp. I understand that many (most?) of your staff is retreating, even abandoning you. You really need to get some experienced people in there who will be sympathetic to you. I hear Colin Powell might still be available. Just think about it.
Now, early on you did a fine job of making the enemy play be their own rules. The problem now is that you are now the one in charge of the rule book, and you have made far too many promises. You promised free health care to everyone, with no increase in spending. You promised to end the wars and close Gitmo. You promised no new taxes (oh, like we’ve never seen that mistake before) for the middle class. Now the enemy is holding you to your rule book. It hurts when they use it against you, I know. Believe me, I’ve had several years down here to think about it, with no end in sight. Maybe you should just ditch the rule book altogether. I hear one of your guys had an idea about just admitting “the Constitution is wrong”. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Let’s you ditch the rule book and do whatever you want. Might be worth a try.
It seems that of late you have ceded the ridicule rule to the enemy. I know, the whole “tea-bagger” thing seemed like a good idea, but it was really a one-time shot that you’ve hung onto way to long. Of late you and your comrades are the ones on the receiving end. Our good friend M. Dowd tried to help you out, but quite frankly I think she needs to get back on her meds. You’ve definitely let the other side get the other hand with ridicule. Maybe John Stewart would make a good press secretary? Just a thought.
Now remember, if its a good tactic, your people enjoy it. I have to ask you this as a friend, are your people in Congress enjoying themselves right now? Why not? Maybe, just maybe, you need to re-consider some of your tactical decisions. We all have to reconsider from time to time. Take it from me, I haven’t had a choice to do anything else for quite a while now.
Finally, and this is the most important point for us to discuss at our present juncture, I have to ask you this: Did you break through and take power without a constructive alternative to what the other side is doing? You ran against the war, the deficits, and unemployment. Looks to me like they’re all still there. You almost make it seem like the other side was right about your lack of experience. I’ve almost grown wistful thinking about what Hilary might have done. Oh well, no use in regrets, is there? You’ll have plenty of time for that once we’re here together in retirement.
At any rate, I hope some of this may have been helpful. If so, I don’t suppose that as the most powerful man on Earth you could arrange a little something for me? Maybe just a nice glass of tea. Or water. Or even just dip your finger in some and put it on the tip of my tongue. It is just devilishly hot here right now.
Your adviser and admirer,
S. Alinsky

From the desk of President Barack H. Obama
President of the United States of America
Dear Saul,
What a wonderful surprise to hear from you, even if it is under somewhat difficult times. Last time we spoke you were in a heated exchange with Adolf, Joe and Karl as to who was more destructive to the overall human condition here on earth. As I recall it was fairly obvious that Adolf and Joe had a more direct impact as they had been involved in various genocidal programs that actually physically destroyed millions of humans. But you and Karl, with the advantage of your commanding intellects, maintained that without Karl, Joe would not have been in a position to do his evil and you offered that you must be considered because of the significant impact you have had in bringing down the United States over the last few decades, which will ultimately culminate in a net negative impact to the whole world. And I dare say, without your guidance I would not be in the position I now occupy to instigate that event. It was and is a most magnetic debate, as I have many times dwelled on it amid certain times of self reflection.
Well enough with the good moments and on to the subject of your latest inquiry. Harry contacted me yesterday after he recieved a letter from our mutual benefactor, Mephistopheles, and He seemed quite upset because things weren’t going right and apparently, Meph was threatening him with a violation of contract punishment. Harry said Meph gave him another chance, but I have to point this out to illustrate the complications we are experiencing with what has become an adversarial electorate. We all know Reid is as dumb as a rock, but in this instance he has a point. I can’t quite put my finger on it but something is just not right with the impact of Mephs usual domination of the masses. We are doing the same things as before but, like I say, these twits are not responding as before.
Could you please have a word with Meph and delicately advance my concerns on this. It appears Harry tried to breach the subject in his letter only to pay a painful price for it last night. You should see Harry’s ass, he won’t be sitting on his throne anytime soon. We all know Meph has a hard time with advice but Saul, these pedestrian morons are just not in the same trance as they were before and I am worried that I am losing my power of persuasion no matter what lies and artful deceits we come up with.
Be assured, I will implement all of your sage advice with zeal. And I will continue to utilize my intellectual superiority as always. You know I am fully committed to my duty and to the mission. Please reassure our leader of that. I know failure is a not tolerated and results in a very unpleasant future so rest assured I will succeed.
As for liquid refreshment you know it is impossible to sneak anything by the Satanic Sentinel Security Forces. You can’t even bribe those S.S. devils. Remember what happen to Dr.Mengele when he tried to smuggle in his pain medication. He is still paying for that. So I am sorry I can not help you with that, Saul, but if there is anything else I can do, let me know.
Please talk with Meph about what I have relayed to you. We need his help right now, more than ever.
Yours with fond regard and affection,
Little Barry

From the Membership Committee Desk:

The hierarchy of our infernal regions do find this years campaign amusing, but the sudden rise of the virtuous in your midst which used to be merely off putting now has Ole Scratch confounded. As to the late S. Alinsky making his complaint public through your offices, he has been reprimanded and punishment meted out. Misery was and is his profession. So he’s getting a little late experience. Barbara Billingsly having just departed your world is down here doing a little in-service for Stratch’s opposite Number. He has been detailed to see to Her every need while she records Her series of lectures on manners and etiquette as once practiced during those Earth years A.D. 1950-1962. Nothing like a captive audience, is there?
All the Best
Membership Committee
Hell

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Jack Conway is a Devil Worshiper

From the desk of Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway:

Dear Kentucky Voters,

I would like to take a few brief moments to address the concerns that have arisen over my having been a devil worshiper. There are a few mitigating circumstances I would like to point out to you that I believe will make all the difference.

First of all, my devil worship took place during my college years at Duke University. I believe we can all agree that ALMOST anything can be forgiven if you did it at college. The one exception, of course, would be worshiping an Aqua Buddha. Worshiping a Blue Devil is okay while you’re in college, worshiping an Aqua Buddha is unforgivable. Please bear that in mind as you head to the voting booth.

Some wags have also noted that to this day I still proclaim my loyalty to the Blue Devils (not to be confused with Aqua Buddhas) of Duke University. Well, you really need to understand, there is a big social network of Duke graduates out there, fellow travelers in youthful Devil worship, if you will, and it’s important I keep in contact with them for professional purposes. And yes, I do sing the Duke Alma Mater, which does pledge my unending worship and loyalty to the Blue Devils. But what can I say? You have to be true to your school.

Seriously people, you know the whole “Blue Devil” thing is just a college gag, right? It’s not something serious and anti-Christian like, say, an Aqua-Buddha. Remember, Blue Devil good, Aqua Buddha bad.

Finally, as to the last rumor out there: If the top basketball prospects in the state of Kentucky want to go to Duke instead of the UK, that’s their business. So what if a sitting senator helps them to make up their minds that way? After all, you’ve got to be true to your school. Remember, Blue Devils good, Aqua Buddha and Wildcats bad.

Sincerely,

Future Senator and Current Devil Worshiper Jack Conway

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

NAACP releases report on Tea Party

From the desk of Benjamin Todd Jealous:

We know the “majority” of the Tea-bagger party-people are sincere, principled people who have good will towards those who look and talk just like they do.  But really, do these facts excuse the odious racism that constantly emanates from these dirty crackers to befoul our sensitive nostrils?  So what if they are sincere?  Weren’t those Jews who killed Jesus sincere?  You bet they were.  Did their sincerity make Him any less dead?  Well?  And so what if they have principles?  Principles can be evil.  Some of the principles that those Tea-baggers embrace would include racism, homophobia, islamophobia, misogyny and probably pedophilia.  Those are all principles, but would you want some nit-infested redneck dirtying up your living room with those principles?  And of course they have good will towards each other.  If there’s one thing you can count on in a bunch of honkeys, it’s that they’ll always stick together against us.

Now let’s get serious here.  These ofays are out there for one reason, and one reason only.  They want to take down our blessed Messiah and President, the Benevolent, Wise and Caring Great One, B. Hussein Obama.  Do not be confused or distracted by the deceiving rhetoric of these tea-baggers.  They use code-words to cover their insidious deviltry.  Let me give you a list of the code-words you can expect to hear at a tea-bagger rally, and what they REALLY mean.

1.  “Fiscal responsibility”.  Sounds good, doesn’t it?  But what does a Tea-bagger klansman really mean by this phrase?  He means you can’t trust a Brother with your money.  After all, we finally have a true African American in charge of the country and NOW all these white goonie-birds want to start talking about fiscal responsibility.  Did they talk about that when that blue-eyed devil George W. Bush was running the country?  Well?  No they did not!  Only when a Brother is running the country do they get all worried about the money.  Typical cracker nonsense, but what can you really expect from their kind?

2.  “Sanctity of Marriage”.  Oh, their going to play the “morality” card now.  Well, what does that really mean?  Oh, you know it, go ahead and say it.  That’s right.  They mean that “N-word” is looking at my fine white woman.  You know those Tea-baggers can’t stand the thought of a True Black Man in the “White” House.  They see a Mighty African Prince standing over them with authority, and all they can think about is they’re going to lose their women.  Well, it would serve them right.

3.  “Voting Rights”.  Seriously?  What do the albinos know about not having their voting rights, anyway?  You have two Brothers get a little carried away just one time, and all of the sudden every redneck, cracker, ofay, blue-eyed devil in the whole country gets all concerned about “voting rights”.  Take it from me, if the two Brothers out front would have been two Klansmen in Selma, nobody would have said a word.  So why do you suppose the Tea-baggers want to scream so much about one little mis-communication in Philly?

4.  “Uncle Toms and Oreos”.  Well, that one isn’t actually part of the Tea-bagger lexicon.  That’s what we’re going to be calling all these sell-out, so-called “Brothers” who have been showing up at the Tea-bagger rallies and consorting with the enemy.  I don’t care what your excuse is, or what you think you’re doing.  A Black Man has got no business criticizing Our Great Messiah, and anyone who does isn’t really a Black Man any more, and we KNOW how to handle that.

Okay, I think that about wraps it up for now.  You know what we’re up against.  Let’s get out there, and remember, “No Justice, No Peace”.  And for crying out loud, leave the “Kill Whitey” signs at home this time.  You know Fox News just loves showing us carrying those around.

Sincerely,

NAACP Honcho Benjamin Todd Jealous

Obama re-writes Declaration of Independence

New item:  President Obama repeatedly misquotes Declaration of Independence, omits “Creator”
http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/obama-misquotes-declaration-independence-again_511412.html

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education

Dear Arne,

How are things going with you these days?  As you know, there is nothing more important to our movement than education.  Actually, to be more accurate, there is nothing more valuable to our revolution than re-education.  What I want to talk to you about today is the re-education program we need to put in place in Amerikkka’s schools concerning the racist, misogynist, capitalist bigots who founded this misbegotten nation.  For too long we’ve allowed the children of this nation to be indoctrinated with wild fabrications about their “founding fathers” and their declaration of independence.  You have allowed this document, which is quite frankly completely out-dated, to be taught “as is” in Amerikka’s class rooms.  Well, that’s got to change.

I’ve had a lengthy chat with Attorney General Holder, and he assures me that the wording we’ve been working with is completely unconstitutional.  The document in question actually references a “Creator” when claiming a variety of “rights” in its opening statement (I think they call it a “preamble” or something like that).  A.G. Holder is adamant (and I must say that I completely agree with him) that this wording violates the Separation of Church and State, the highest principle upon which our Great Revolution is based.  That being the case, I had A.G. Holder put together a crack team over at the Department of Justice to put together a new “preamble” which will be acceptable to be taught in this country’s public schools.  I am directing you to put this revision into place in all textbooks immediately.  It will read as follows:

“We hold these truths to be generally acceptable, contingent upon Federal Court Review, that all sentient beings have evolved equally, and that these sentient beings have a number of rights bestowed to them by a benevolent Federal Government, and that among these rights are Abortion on Demand, Free Love and Expression of Sexuality, Free Health Care, Freedom from Lifestyle Judgments by their Communities, Freedom to Create and Consume Pornography, Miranda Warnings When Arrested by Fascist Pigs, and a Living Wage Guarantee.  To make sure that these rights are not violated we have established the ACLU and its subsidiary, the United States Department of Justice.  The Federal Government has absolute authority to enforce these rights, and to abolish any citizen or group of citizens opposed to these rights.  It is the right and duty of all citizens to unconditionally uphold the Federal Government in its protection of these rights.  As these rights are provided by the Federal Government, they may be revoked with or without cause, with or without notice, or distributed upon the basis of race, gender and sexual orientation as the Federal Government sees fit. “

Please see that this new wording goes into place immediately.  A.G. Holder assures Me that you will have the full backing of his department.  Likewise, Tim Geithner has assured me the IRS will be on hand to provide any needed help with unpatriotic tea-bagger dissidents. And just to be on the safe side, I have consulted with the two Supreme Court justices I have put in place.  They assure me that they are VERY comfortable with this language and feel secure that they can put together a five-vote majority to support it if need be.  So no sand-bagging, get to work.  The children of this pathetic, racist, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynist nation need their re-education now!

Sincerely,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

Barney Frank goes to therapy

Fwom de dethk of Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank:

Deawest Jim,

I have been tawkin’ to mah thewapitht about some of de ithues between uth, and Ah think thereth a few thingth we need to tawk about.  Ah know thith whole ewection buthiness hath been weally hahd on you watewy, but we jutht haf to get a few thingth thraithened out.

Ah was expwainin’ to mah thewapitht about the pwobwems Ah been havin’ with mah we-ewection dis time awound, and how itth been cauthin’ uth so much twouble in ouwr wewationship.  Ah expwained to de thewapitht that thith hath nevah happen’ to me befahr, and that it wath cauthin’ you aww kind of emotionaw distweth.  The thewapitht theemed vewy thympathetic, and thuggethted maybe mah age wath paht of de pwobwem.  Ah agweed dat dere ith a wot of ageithm in dis countwy, and people mah age are ofen thubject to dicwimination.  Ah agweed wif de thewapist dat mah age might be paht of de pwobwem wif mah we-ewection.  Affah aww, it can’t weawwy be about dat Fweddie and Fannie bidneth, now can it?

At any wate, de thewapitht thaid maybe Ah thould take thome wittle bwue pillth he good get fah me.  Ah tol’ him Ah don’t think de pillth would hewlp wif mah we-ewection.  He tol’ me Ah shouwld at leatht gib dem a chanth.  Ah weally think he might not haf unnerthtood jutht what Ah wath tawkin’ about.  Ah don’t know anybody in Congweth who evah got theihr we-ewection jutht bah takin’ a wittle bwue piwll.

At any wate, Ah went on to expwain to de thewapitht about mah we-ewection pwobwems becauthe of dat thillwy wittle Mawine who ith wunnin’ againtht mah.  Ah expwained to de thewapitht dat de Mawine ith onwy haf mah age, and ith in vewy good phythicawl condition, not tah metion he weawly ith pwetty nithe wookin’.  De thewapitht thaid it wath onwy natuwal dat Ah should be upthet to be compahrd to a fewwow haf mah age.  He agweed dat peopwel should not judge a man wif mah age an’ expewience againtht thomeone tho young.  He thaid if I wath thinkin’ about dat to much it might be de weathon Ah’m havin’ tho much twouble wif mah we-ewection.  He thaid Ah should jus’ thtop thinkin’ about dat young man and take de wittle bwue piwlth.

Dis bwingth mah to de heawrt of mah pwobwem.  De othuh day you were fowwowin’ dat young man awound wif youhr camewa, takin’ aww kindth of pictureth of him.  Wook, I know you want to be thupportuv of mah campaign, but how do you think it maketh mah feewl when you ahre out dere thnappin’ awl dothe pictureth of dat stwappin’, good-wookin’, young man who is twyin’ to take away mah we-ewection?  Don’t you know how dat wookth to mah?  Wook, Jim, Ah know you didn’t weawly mean anythin’ by it, but pwease, it hurtth mah to thee you awoun’ him tho much!  Ah jutht thtart thinkin’ to mahthelf that Ah could lothe mah we-ewection, and that maybe den you wouldn’t love mah de thame anymore.  You might go lookin’ for thomeone younguh, who haf hith ewection wewl in hand.  I gueth Ah’m jutht twyin’ to thay Ah don’ haf mah thame old confidenth any more, an’ Ah need you to hewlp mah out heahr.  Tho pweathe, fohr de thake of ourwr wove, jutht thtay away fwom dat young man!

Your woving pahtnuh fohrevuh,

Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Obama invites Iran to have a “role” in Afghanistan

Obama invites Iran to play a “role” in the future of Afghanistan, seat Iranian representatives at NATO meeting on Afghanistan policy:
 http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/10/19/iranian-weapon-shipment-afghan-taliban-raises-alarm/

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama

Attention:  Classified Information, Level 18 Security Clearance Personnel only:

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

Man, that one’s a mouthful!  Mind if I just call you AJ?  After all, we’re on the same side here, right?  Listen, about that shipment of explosives that got held up last week, I really don’t know what to tell you.  You must have marked the boxes wrong somehow on your end.  There’s no way anybody should have known about that stuff.  Maybe you should be a little more careful.  I CANNOT get tied to this, okay?  I’ve got enough problems over here already without always having to save your bacon (heh, I love telling you that).

I’ve got it set up to have NATO forces out of there by next year, so all you have to do is wait until the draw-down starts, then pummel those lunkheads like Barney Frank on a Cirque du Soleil acrobat.  I know you don’t have any of “those guys” over there to really get that picture, but just take it from me that it won’t be pretty.  Quite frankly, it’ll do me a world of good.  Those morons who keep signing up for the armed forces of this failed nation have it coming.  Do you know that they actually support the Republicans over Me by a 3 to 1 margin?  What kind of loyalty is that?  After all, if I’m Commander in Chief, shouldn’t I be able to just tell them they all have to vote for Me?  Well, if they’re stupid enough to keep voting for the other side, then I guess they won’t mind dying for Me.

Now listen, here’s what I can do for you, and what you can do for Me.  I know you need a little more time to get that “special project” up and running.  Well, there’s only two countries out there who might be able to stop you.  Fortunately for you, I’m running one of them, so I can keep the heat off your back from this side.  As far as the Israelis go, here’s the deal.  I will let that mongrel son of a dog and a pig know just where he gets his foreign aid from, and just what will happen if he tries to start anything.  After all, we can’t have those war-mongering Zionist monkeys harming the peace-loving people of Iran, now can we?  If that doesn’t work, I can always station a carrier in the Persian Gulf to help with your air defenses.  Any Israeli planes trying to make it through will run into a “reverse liberty”, if you know what I mean.  That ought to buy you all the time you need to get things finished up.  My good buddy Rev J. Wright will be really proud of me when he sees how I’m handling those jews.  Almost as proud as My father would have been if he could only see Me.

Now, here’s what you can do for me.  There’s nothing to rally the moron, redneck proles of this racist country around their President like the sight of a few of their countrymen getting blown up.  So, if someone (wink, wink) were to send another shipment of explosives into Afghanistan, and Someone (wink, wink) else were to make sure this shipment didn’t get intercepted, then quite a few “NATO” (yeah, we know whose guys it’ll be) troops could get their just recompense for oppressing the Righteous Followers of Allah.  And when I get up and give one of My Patented Great Speeches (I think I can even pull off a few tears this time) about their sacrifice, honor, nobility, yada, yada, yada, etc.; then the idiots who vote in this pathetic country won’t be able to line up to kiss My shoes fast enough.  Just make sure the whole thing goes down between October 25 and 31.  My advisers assure me that will be just the right moment for a little pre-election surprise.  That ought to turn back the Republican tide and keep My people in power, which in turn will help keep your people in power.

Okay, I think that about covers it for now.  Give My best to Hugo, tell him to keep those great W. jokes coming, I can’t get enough of them.

Your Friend and Admirer,

President for Life of the United States of Amerikka B. Hussein Obama

Monday, October 18, 2010

Expansion of Federal Preventative Health Care Initiative

From the Desk of Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Citizen,

In keeping with first lady Michelle Obama’s welfare of children initiative, the following changes will take place in your dietary practices, effective immediately.  Please note that the Supreme Court’s Virginia v. DHHS decision authorized this office to require any and all purchases necessary to protect the health, safety and welfare of the common good.  Additionally, please note that since this is a proactive requirement for all citizens your place of residence is subject to search from agents of this office at any time to insure compliance with these directives.  Likewise, please note that failure to comply with these directives incurs a liability of five years in federal prison and a $10,000.00 fine.  Additionally, please remember that failure in the part of adult parents or guardians of minor children to comply with these directives creates a de facto judgment of child abuse, with all attending penalties, including the removal of minor children from the custody of such guardians or parents.

1.  You are required to purchase a minimum of five servings per day of fresh fruits and vegetables for each citizen residing within your household or domicile.  Receipts proving the purchase of said fruits and vegetables are to be provided upon demand for audit by the Internal Revenue Service agents empowered by this office for that purpose.  Proper maintenance of such receipts is the sole obligation and responsibility of the citizen residents of your household or domicile.  Please be aware that although this office initially provided written warnings for first offense failures, that policy proved inconvenient for our agents and has since been discontinued.

2.  You are required to purchase a minimum of two servings per day of dairy products (preferably low fat or skim) for each citizen residing within your household or domicile.  Enforcement and penalty are the same as for the provision(s) above.

3.  You are required to purchase a minimum of four servings per day of whole-grain bread or pasta products, as per guidelines above.

4.  All citizens are now to report once per week to their local health office and submit urine, hair and blood samples to screen for the ingestion of nicotine.  Any failure to do so constitutes a failure to purchase health care services, as noted above.  First offense for a positive test is up to three years in prison and a $10,000.00 fine.  Please bear in mind our zero-tolerance policy in this (and all other) matters.

5.  All citizens are now to report once per month to their local health office to submit to a body mass index screening for obesity.  Compliance regulations are the same as for section four, above.  Citizens found to be obese will be receive a scarlet “F” (for fatty) tattoo upon their forehead and have their monthly condom allowance halved.

Please remember, this is for your own health and well-being.  We’re from the federal government, and we’re here to help.

Sincerely,

DHHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

Jack Conway Addresses Religiosity

Dear Voters,

Some of you seem to have taken a bit of umbrage with my completely legitimate questions about the faith of my heathen/pagan/wiccan(?) opponent Rand Paul.  Specifically, some of you have asked how I can know what is the heart of the goat-worshiping voodoo practitioner Rand Paul, while simultaneously having the temerity to question MY religion.  I suppose I will actually have to address the issue since I am currently, inexplicably, behind in the polls to the Baal worshiper Rand Paul.

First of all, as to Rand Paul’s religion.  It has come to my attention that a few decades ago the High Priest of Dagon known as Rand Paul was a member of a secret society on his college campus.  Members of this society engaged in anti-Christian behavior.  Since members of the society engaged in anti-Christian activity, and the demon-possessed tea-bagger Rand Paul was a part of this society, then we may safely say that Rand Paul is not a Christian.  As you can see, my logic is utterly unassailable in this matter.

Now as to those other questions.  Yes, I am a proud Roman Catholic, and make no secret of the matter.  No, my support for abortion on demand, at taxpayer expense, which is directly antithetical to Catholic doctrine in no way affects the fact that I am a good Catholic and a good Christian.  Abortion on demand is far too important a matter to allow such petty matters as religious faith to come into play when making decisions on how to vote.  The primary decision on this matter must, of course, be defeating your primary opponent and shoring up your base.  Some of you are so naive as to insist that being a Christian, especially a proud Roman Catholic, would mean that I should stand up to my base and support “unborn life”.  Indeed.  I see that you are judging me.  Judge not that ye be not judged.  Bet you never heard that before, huh?  You are probably a bunch of fake Christians just like that Zoroastrian nut job Rand Paul.

Additionally, some of you have taken me to task for my strong support for gay rights.  Let me assure you, I can support gay rights all day long without violating any special tenets of my proud Roman Catholic faith.  If you think I am wrong on this and question my Christianity, then you are obviously a bunch of Cthulu-worshiping, virgin-sacrificing, psychopathic lunatics. 

Quite frankly, I and my Democratic colleagues are getting tired of this.  It is beyond the pale that you would question our faith.  If I say I am a Christian, and it helps me get elected, then that is just a happy coincidence.  Nothing I do as a politician may be taken into account, because I must act for the Greater Good, which is, of course, far beyond such frivolities as “good” and “evil” on an individual basis.  My social conscience is so great that it renders my personal conscience irrelevant.  On the other hand, Republicans, with their opposition to the Holy Sacraments of Abortion on Demand and Gay Rights, have sacrificed their social conscience, and thus may be justly condemned as anti-Christian, even for offenses several decades old.

I hope this clears things up for you.  If not, then you are obviously a tea-bagger animist looking for your future in a pile of chicken guts.

Sincerely,

Future Senator Jack Conway

Crist for Senate explains positions

From the Campaign Office of Charlie Crist:

Dear Voter/Donor/Constituent/etc.

I would like to take a few moments to explain to you why your vote for me is absolutely vital to the best interests of this great state, and why I am willing to make such great sacrifices on your behalf. I must assure that my campaign is in no way affected, influenced, or beholden to any personal self-interest.

On the issues, I must assure you that I am completely opposed to the implementation of Obamacare, although I do favor putting it into action. I fully oppose the drain on federal and state budgets it imposes, and will work to make sure even more money is pumped into our great state through Obamacare. I oppose cuts in Medicare through Obamacare, and will instead work to cut spending on doctors and medicines, thus making cuts unnecessary.

I am in favor of reducing taxes, and will do so by voting to increase the marginal rates across the board. I will work to curb the deficit and bring more spending to all levels of social services.
As far as social issues go, I am pro-life and will fully support a woman’s right to choose partial birth abortion, paid for by Obamacare. I am opposed to gay marriage, and promise to vote against its repeal once implemented through the federal courts. I fully support your right to keep and bear arms, and will make sure that only Congress, state government, and local aldermen are allowed to make laws restricting gun ownership.

If I have your vote I will keep my allegiance to my traditional Republican allies, and support Harry Reid (or Chuck Schumer, if need be) for Senate Majority Leader.

I give you my word I will work only for the best interest of all Floridians, never myself, in everything I do. I will work for the unity of all the people of our great state. And the two guys running against me are ethnic. Do you really think you can trust them?

Sincerely,

Your Future Senator Charlie Crist

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Alinsky counsels Obama

From the desk of S. Alinsky:

Dear President Obama,

For reasons which are beyond my ken, I have been allowed to pen this brief letter to you.  I hope you find it helpful in your ongoing mission on behalf of my Grand Host.  It may be that he has allowed me to pen this to you as gratitude for my humble dedication of my life’s great work to him (although gratitude is not something we really see very much of down here) or because he is concerned that you are having difficulty carrying out his plan on Earth.  I suppose I have been brought in as a consultant, for want of a better term.  At any rate, here are a few pointers which, having studied my work as much as you have, you should already have come up with on your own.

First of all, please remember that power is what the enemy thinks you have.  You have, I suspect, attributed great power to the “Tea Party” movement of the opposition.  In doing so you have caused fear amongst your followers and emboldened the enemy.  Quite frankly, when you attributed power to them you de facto gave power to them.  This was an error.  Now that your followers believe the “Tea Party” crowd has power, it has become so.  You should have known this would happen.

This naturally leads to my next point.  You have gone entirely outside the experience of your people.  Why do you have that clown as press secretary, anyway?  He’s clearly in over his head.  Unfortunately, you have very few people with any military or law enforcement experience at your disposal, and it’s beginning to show.  Confusion and fear are spreading among your camp.  I understand that many (most?) of your staff are retreating, even abandoning you.  You really need to get some experienced people in there who will be sympathetic to you.  I hear Colin Powell might still be available.  Just think about it.

Now, early on you did a fine job of making the enemy play be their own rules.  The problem now is that you are the one in charge of the rule book, and you have made far too many promises.  You promised free health care to everyone, with no increase in spending.  You promised to end the wars and close Gitmo.  You promised no new taxes (oh, like we’ve never seen that mistake before) for the middle class.  Now the enemy is holding you to your rule book.  It hurts when they use it against you, I know.  Believe me, I’ve had several years down here to think about it, with no end in sight.  Maybe you should just ditch the rule book altogether.  I hear one of your guys had an idea about just admitting “the Constitution is wrong”.  Couldn’t have said it better myself.  Lets you ditch the rule book and do whatever you want.  Might be worth a try.

It seems that of late you have ceded the ridicule rule to the enemy.  I know, the whole “tea-bagger” thing seemed like a good idea, but it was really a one-time shot that you’ve hung onto way to long.  Of late you and your comrades are the ones on the receiving end.  Our good friend M. Dowd tried to help you out, but quite frankly I think she needs to get back on her meds.  You’ve definitely let the other side get the other hand with ridicule.  Maybe John Stewart would make a good press secretary?  Just a thought.

Now remember, if it’s a good tactic, your people enjoy it.  I have to ask you this as a friend, are your people in Congress enjoying themselves right now?  Why not?  Maybe, just maybe, you need to re-consider some of your tactical decisions.  We all have to reconsider from time to time.  Take it from me, I haven’t had a choice to do anything else for quite a while now.

Finally, and this is the most important point for us to discuss at our present juncture, I have to ask you this:  Did you break through and take power without a constructive alternative to what the other side is doing?  You ran against the war, the deficits, and unemployment.  Looks to me like they’re all still there.  You almost make it seem like the other side was right about your lack of experience.  I’ve almost grown wistful thinking about what Hilary might have done.  Oh well, no use in regrets, is there?  You’ll have plenty of time for that once we’re here together in retirement.

At any rate, I hope some of this may have been helpful.  If so, I don’t suppose that as the most powerful man on Earth you could arrange a little something for me?  Maybe just a nice glass of tea.  Or water.  Or even just dip your finger in some and put it on the tip of my tongue.  It is just devilishly hot here right now.

Your adviser and admirer,

S. Alinsky

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Rev. J. Wright program for the damnation of America

From the desks of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law, and the Rev. J. Wright, United Church of Christ:

Dear Congregants,

It is our great honor to be able to address you in this joint epistle.  My good friend, the Rev. J. Wright, is already well known to you for his many years of faithful service.  Not only has he been instrumental in the proper training and education of our current fine President, he has set down with me to pen this missive in which we present our fool-proof plan for Rev. Wright’s goal of damning Amerikkka (which, as you know, is in the Bible). 

As our great President has been recently associated with the United Church of Christ denomination, we expect this denomination should grow in influence within this country.  We have already floated the major points within this timely epistle to several of your fellow denominations, and we can assure you that many are already on board (especially the United Methodists and Episcopalians).  Thus, without further ado, please allow us to present the Rev. J. Wright program for the damnation of Amerikkka!

Point one:  Abortion on demand, including “partial-birth” abortion.  We here at the United Church of Christ are now proud supporters of abortion on demand.  In keeping with our strong position on the environment (detailed below), we realize that the main problem with the world today (and any other day) is people.  Human beings are, quite simply, the scourge of all that is good and peaceful upon this planet.  Well, we have a solution:  More abortions, fewer people!  As a bonus, we will raise an entire generation which has been inured to the destruction of human life.  As life grows cheaper and cheaper in their eyes, our beautiful Culture of Death will flourish!  Once we can accept the necessity, nay, even the beauty, of crushing the skull of a partially-born child, nothing will be beyond our grasp.  Human life will become cheap, Amerikkka will be damned, and our program will proceed!  As an aside, we will also work to make sure that these abortions are provided at taxpayer expense, thus ensuring common participation in this practice.

Of course, there are those whom the state would put to death whom we must assure are spared.  Specifically, we refer to the archaic and barbaric practices of some states within this nation of executing convicted murderers.  While these states try to defend their horrific practice through such legal trickery as “jury trials” and executing only murderers who show “aggravating circumstances” such as rape, torture and mutilation of their “victims”, the fact remains far too many murderers are put to death in these states.  This pathetic, medieval notion of “justice” must be brought to an end.  We should note that the pathetic, illiterate denizens of these states are also the same cretins who oppose our glorious position for legalized abortion.  It boggles the mind that they can claim to be “pro-life” over a stupid little blob of cells while simultaneously being willing to execute a “murderer” (who was probably abused as a child and the victim of racism) for his “crimes”.  We must bring a halt to all executions of murderers, and thus hasten the damnation of Amerikkka, which is, of course, in the Bible.

My good friend Rev. J. Wright and I have also considered another oppressive institution which is a cornerstone of the racist, misogynistic, homophobic and patriarchal nation which is Amerikkka.  This institution is, of course, heterosexual marriage, which various bitter clingers throughout the under-educated portions of the nation consider a “divinely-instituted” institution; and its corollary, the pathetic “two-parent” home.  The insistence on so many churches of recognizing this pathetic institution has been one of the greatest obstacles to our long term goals.  Fortunately, you of the United Church of Christ denomination have been in the vanguard of those who recognize the equality, nay, even the superiority of alternative family arrangements.  The advent of gay marriage, the acceptance of homosexuality, bi-sexuality, and now even omni-sexuality, are truly magnificent to behold.  Already our friends within the properly enlightened denominations join our cause for full sexual liberation.  And thus the damnation of Amerikkka, which is of course in the Bible, proceeds apace.

Finally, please allow us a moment to address the matter of environmentalism.  Those of us with my fine firm have long understood what pathetic creatures you human beings truly are, and the great error that was made in allowing your existence.  Your pestilential presence upon this sphere has caused us no end of anguish for untold eons.  I cannot tell you how truly gratified I am too see that you have come around to our point of view.  Now that your “green” movement has come to fruition, you too understand that your kind must end for the good of the planet.  And who has been more in charge of defending religious environmentalism than you, our great friends within the United Church of Christ denomination?  Once your youth come to appreciate the beauty of a world without humanity, then our Final Solution, carried out through specially empowered panels of Obamacare Enforcement Agents, may be implemented.  I look forward to seeing all of you on a much more permanent basis quite soon.  Just after the damnation of Amerikkka, which is, of course, in the Bible.

Your friends and spiritual guides,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney at Law and the Rev. J. Wright.

P.S.

Please stop confusing us with those ridiculous, “non-denominational” churches of Christ.  We have nothing to do with them, and quite frankly are sick and tired of their interference with our affairs.

P.S.S.

We have taken the liberty of including some informational links below where you can read more about our positions and Grand Scheme on these matters.

http://www.ucc.org/justice/advocacy_resources/pdfs/reproductive-health-and-justice/reproductive-health-and-justice.pdf

http://deathpenalty.procon.org/view.source.php?sourceID=006278

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/national/05church.html

http://www.webofcreation.org/ncc/statements/ucc.html

Friday, October 15, 2010

Michael Steele views the pre-election landscape

From the Desk of NRC Chairman Michael Steele:

My Fellow Republicans,

While I appreciate the exuberance and enthusiasm that so many of you are showing prior to this election, it behooves me to warn you that we must, in the parlance of the street, “keep our cool”. Many of our current partisans are, quite frankly, becoming just a wee bit too rowdy for the good of our movement as a whole. We need to reign some of this irrational exuberance in before it has a chance to do our Grand Old Party permanent harm.

First of all, let’s take a look at things on the Senate side. We are in serious danger of losing our majority here. No, I realize we do not have an actual majority in the full Senate. I am speaking of the moderate majority in the Republican caucus. This fine, moderate majority has allowed us to peacefully co-exist with our good friends across the aisle for many years. As a result of this we are able to maintain a fine list of friends who entertain us at many swank cocktail parties. Now these dreadful Tea Party folks have come along, and insisted on running their own candidate, such as Rubio, Miller, Angle, Paul, O’Donnell and so forth. It’s simply maddening! Can you imagine if these people actually win? Think about it. Our days of friendly, peaceful co-existence may well be over. These folks could give that maniac Demint enough votes to be majority leader!

Fortunately, I have been in contact with some of my operatives within the National Republican Senatorial Committee. They assure me they are doing the utmost to make sure the worst case scenario involving these candidates (they all win their elections) does not happen. Unfortunately, they tell me there is only so much they can do. Apparently many of our donors are ignoring their obligation to send their money in to the G.O.P. headquarters for proper dissemination, and are instead donating directly to certain Tea Party candidates. The gall of those people! Don’t they realize we have spent years recruiting the very best and brightest away from the Democrats? And now they have the nerve to think they can do better and choose their own candidates! My friends, what are we coming to?

I must point out that the problem may be even more dire on the House side, which is both more volatile and more difficult to control than even the mess we have in the Senate. There are so many of these Tea Party flooding in we cannot keep track of them. How can we make sure that they are taught the importance of proper Washington etiquette if so many of them arrive here so quickly? How can we make sure that their naive beliefs about the Constitution do not upset our fine applecart here in D.C.? Quite frankly, I fear these people may be nothing but a bunch of rabble-rousing boat rockers. I fear for the seats of many of our long-time friends across the aisle. I fear for our exemplary tradition of bi-partisanship. In short, I fear that we moderates may well be losing control of the party. And who knows where that could lead? I would exhort you to go out and fight the Tea Party, but of course fighting just isn’t our thing. So instead we will continue to withhold what little funding we still have control over from their campaigns and criticize their candidates on national news shows. I really don’t know what else I can be expected to do as party chair.

Sincerely,

RNC Chairman Michael Steele

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Barney Frank explains trip to Virgin Islands

Fwom de dethk of Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank:

Deah Votuhs,

Wecently, theahr hath been a widicuwous contwovuthy ovuh a wittle twip Ah took with my wong-tuhm pahtnuh and a couple of our vewy good fwiendth.  Ah would wike to adweth that contwovuthy at thith time.

Thome of you may haf heahd dat thith twip wath a thimple vacation.  Ah can athure you that ith not the cathe.  Mah twip to de Vujin Islandth wath in point of fact a mithion of merthy.  Jutht think about it.  De name of de plathe weally sayth it aww.  Thothe poor young peopwle down dere haf no idea about de medithinal and thewapeutic vawue of thexual wiberaythun.  Aww dose poor young men, who haf nevah been taught about de thewapy of thexual wewease that ith theirs foh de taking!  It boggleth de mind!  Thomeone had to go down theh to teach aww dose fine, fit, tan, buff, cwean-thaven, oh-tho-young men about de thexual thewapy and how it hath heawing poweth.  Welww, I tokked it ober wiff my wong-tuhm pahtnuh, and Jim sayth to me, “Bahney, you ahr tho wight, we jutht hath to go down dere and hewlp aww dose poohr young men.”

Ah haff to tewll you, Jim ith thuch a joy to meh.  Ah wath a wittel nehvous when we hit de beach, but he atthured me that eben do Ahm sebenty yearth old now, I thtill wook ath good ath evah in mah thong!  Wewl, Ah got to tewl you, we hit it off wealwy wewl wiff all dem young men down dere!  Ah suppothe it didn’t huht dat Ahm a wewl known Congwesspuhson, ohr dat ouwr hotht ith a biwwionairre, but Ah thtill think we managed to open a wot of eyeth with ouwr wectureth on thexual wiberation.  Tho, ath you can thee, thith twip wath actuawwy a humanitawian mithion, a vewitable mithion of muhcy.  Tho pwease pay no attensun to dose cweepth in the wight wing media at Fox Newth about any “vacation”!

What you weawwy need to be wowwying about is mah up-comin’ we-ewection.  Evewy two yeahs Ah haff to take cahre of mah ewection pwospects.  So, on that note, wet me thay dis:  Thome congwesspuhsons dis yeah theem to be embawathed to bwing home de pohrk fohr dere distwicks.  Wewl, Ah can pwomise you, Ah wiwl nevuh be embawathed to bwing home de pohrk fohr mah gweat home heah in Bothton!  But wemembuh, if you want awl dat gweat pohrk Ah gif you (and you know you awl want mah gweat pohrk!) den you had bettuh take good care of mah we-ewection.  Wemebuh, if Ah don’t get mah we-ewection, you don’t get your pohrk!  Now jutht think about dat!

So dis Novembuh, wemembuh dat Bahney Fwank wath on a mithion of merthy to de Virjun Islandths, and if you want mah pohrk, you bettuh take care of my we-ewection.  Ah think we unduhthtand each othuh now.

Thintherely,

Congwesspuhson Bahney Fwank

Joe Biden explains Democratic Agenda

From the desk of Vice-President Joe Biden:

Dear Voters,

This is a big f****** deal. I am a big f******* deal. Everything I do is a big f******* deal. Why can’t you understand that?

I make sure the newbie we got as a President doesn’t just stand around bein’ all clean and well-spoken. I make sure he gets the stuff done. And now all you people do is b**** and moan. Let’s face it, you’re just not smart enough to understand what we’re doing for you up here.

Look, I’m the smartest guy in any room I walk into, okay? I went to f******* law school, for cryin’ out loud. I’m smarter than you. I’m sick and tired of having to explain this s*** to you people.
I know unemployment is bad. Big f******* deal. I know there are a lot of you in foreclosure. Big f******* deal. I know your taxes are gonna go up in a couple of months. Big f******* deal. You morons out there need to learn to see the big f******* picture. If you understood how much good I was doing for you then you’d shut your big f******* mouths.

Whatever you have going wrong with your life, if it wasn’t for me it would be worse. Because I am the smartest guy in any room I walk into. Because I did go to law school. Because I do have a bazillion years experience in government. And because I am a big f******* deal.

Sincerely,

Vice President Joe Biden

Chinese President weighs in on “Foreign Money”

From the desk of Chinese President Hu Jintao:

Dear President Obama,

I grow weary of listening to your complaints. First, you take out twelve trillion American dollars in loans, then you come back crying like some poor school girl because you can’t make the payments on time. I do not need to hear excuses. I need my money.

What is this business about 376 per cent interest being a “loan shark”? What is a “loan shark”, anyway? Some of my advisers tell me this is one of your barbarian “Chicago terms”. Look, you agreed to the interest rate when you borrowed the money, okay? If you didn’t like it then you should have said so. But noooooo, you insisted you needed it right then for “health care”, “TARP” and “stimulus”. Like I care what you needed it for. I told you that it was too much, but you insisted, so I made the loan. After all, you are President of the United States.

Now you come back whining about being broke. I do NOT want to hear it. You are President of the United States, for crying out loud! Take it! What do you have an IRS for? You promised me my money. Do you know what happens to people who don’t give me my money? Do you want to find out? I got two words for you buddy: Tianamen Square. Think about that before you tell me you can’t make the payments.

Look, you got all you need, you just have to take it, okay? The people in your country are under-taxed, that’s your problem. Get out there and shake ’em down! You’ll be able to make the payments in no time. There’s no need for this to be rough for you. After all, you borrowed the money for them anyway, right?

So have my payment to me by Saturday afternoon. Otherwise I’m going to have to send a couple of the boys around. Hate to do it, you know, but business is business. So get out there and hustle up my dough.

Your Friend,

President of China Hu Jintao

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

President Obama addresses NASA on Chilean rescue success

News item:  NASA designs rescue vehicle for Chilean mine rescue effort, special diet to protect miners’ health during extraction, doctors to assist with treatment of rescued miners, and other assistance in unprecedented rescue of trapped miners.

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama,

To:  NASA Administrator Charles Bolden

Dear Charlie,

Well, I suppose at this point you’re expecting some sort of commendation for a job well done.  Maybe you didn’t get the memo, or maybe you just don’t care.  I’m really beginning to wonder about you.  Quite frankly, I think what we have here is a failure to communicate.

So you rescued a bunch of miners who were stupid enough to get themselves stuck in a hole in the ground.  First of all, let Me point out that when you insist on raping the Earth for human “needs” you should expect this sort of thing to happen.  Have you stopped to think what might have happened if those miners had not been rescued?  Maybe the greedy corporations that are destroying our planet would have a harder time recruiting more of the proletariat to go into a mine and pillage the Earth if those miners had died a slow, painful death.  But no, you had to go and make a big deal out of helping to rescue them, and in so doing encourage people to think of them as “heroes” instead of the rapists and pillagers of Our Mother Earth that they really are.

Additionally, have I not made your primary mission clear to you?  In what way did any of this business of rescuing trapped Chilean miners help build Muslim self-esteem?  Chile isn’t even a Muslim country!  (Okay, that’s on the plate for the future, but that’s another point.)  None of those miners were Muslims.  In point of fact, they all seemed to be saying they were christians.  Were any of the rescue crew you sent down there Muslims?  If so, why haven’t I heard about it?  So here we are, wasting our precious resources to rescue a bunch of arrogant christians who are raping the Mother Earth.  How does that bring glory to Allah and His Holy Prophet?  How does that cause the Brotherhood of the True Faith to be exalted?

Look, I’m sick and tired of hearing from you about “space exploration” and “technology for a better life on Earth”.  At what point did I indicate that either of those ridiculous notions has anything to do with NASA’s mission under this administration?  And so help me, if I hear one word about “American exceptionalism” I’ll have you, your entire family, and all of your friends facing IRS audits all the way back to 1968!  If it doesn’t help Muslims feel good about themselves, it’s not part of your job.  Get that through your head or I’ll have to make an example of you.

It’s clear I made a mistake when I appointed you to this position.  I saw “African-American” on the file Rahm handed me and just figured you would know how to take orders from Me.  But now that I’ve reviewed your file, I see that you used to be a US Marine.  And not only that, you actually took part in the illegal war against the peace-loving people of North Viet-Nam.  So, how many babies did you kill, anyway?  I am getting completely sick and tired of the attitude you and your pathetic marine buddies are always showing.  Always thinking you and America are better than everybody else.  It’s about time you learned you aren’t, and I guess I’ll have to be the one to teach you a lesson on that.

You can count yourself lucky for the minute, since so many of the pathetic tea-bagger rednecks in this country think you’re some kind of hero right now.  But there’s a lot of people calling for cut-backs in the federal budget, and I think I just found an agency we can afford to get rid of.  Just remember, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.  All you had to do was glorify True Islam, and like a typical infidel, you blew it.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Another Letter from Barney Frank

Fwom de dethk of Congwethpushson Bahney Fwank:

Deah Votuh,

Thome of you theem to be having twouble undustandin’ what ah am sayin’ here. Thith ith a cwucial ewection yeah foh ouwr gweat nation. It ith cwucial foh dis gweat nation and thith gweat thtate that you, the people of Mathachuthets, due your duty and give me youh vote foh dis ewection.

Pleathe twy and wrap youhr feeble wittle minds awound dis: My ewection ith what keepth thith gweat thtate goin’! If ah don’t get my ewection fwom de people of dis gweat thtate evewy two yeahs, den you will lothe all de wonduful pohrk ah can bwing home foh you!

Dis siwwy wittle tea-bagguh wanna-be keeps talkin’ about Fannie-dis and Fweddie-dat. He wanths you to think the Bush economy ith all MY fault! Well, I will tewl you somethin’. I know more about tea-baggin’ den he eveh will, and he bettuh not twy bwamin’ me foh de Bush economy! I am de oppothite of Bush! I would nevuh vote foh de siwwy tax cuts that ruined our economy! And Fanny and Fweddie would have been jutht fine if we had ewected dat wonduhful Albut Gore in 2000!

So wemebuh, my ewection is in youhr handth! The people of dis gweat state mutht handle dis ewection wif gweat care! My gweat ewection is de motht impohtant thing goin’ on in dis gweat countwy! If I don’t get my ewection, why de whole Congwess will faww apaht! So wemebeh, take care of Bahney Fwank’s we-ewection dis Novembuh!

Thincerely,

Congwesspuhson Bahney Fwank

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Obama Gets Out the Base

From the Desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear American Voters,

I want to take this opportunity to briefly explain why you simply MUST get out and vote this November 2 in support of our many fine Democratic candidates.  There are several good reasons for you to do so, and I would like to touch on a few of them at this time.

First of all, recent polls suggest that former President Bush is now running neck and neck with Me in public opinion polling.  This suggests that the Republicans have hatched a secret plan to bring that hateful and hated warmonger cowboy back as President!  Think about it:  first the Republicans take over the Congress, then they bring back Bush!  It is definitely possible that they have hatched just such a nefarious scheme.  Some of you have suggested to me that this is not possible due to something about “the Constitution” and “an amendment”.  Quite frankly, I’ve never actually had the time to set down and read the thing (sooooooo ancient and boring, and I’ve got a lot of golf to catch up on) so I’ll just have to take your word for it.  But even so, I can tell you that the constitution never stops me from doing what I want to, so why would the Republican be any different?  So let’s get out the vote to defeat Bush!

Not only do we need to defeat Bush, we need to show the world that you people are over being the bunch of racist rednecks you have been in the past.  Let’s face it, up until two years ago this was the most racist, backward, bigoted, redneck country on the face of the Earth.  Two years ago you finally managed to get something right for the very first time.  If you turn around and change your minds now that will totally blow it!  Do you really want our great friends in Saudi Arabia, China, Pakistan and Turkey having to look down on you again because you can’t get it together on human rights?  And how can you get it together on human rights if you reject Me, the Great Unifier of All Enlightened Ones?  So get out the vote to show that you’re finally catching up with the Yemenis on human rights!

As to you seniors, let Me remind you of what you have to be reminded of every election cycle:  If the Republicans win they’ll take away you’re Social Security and Medicare, and probably institute death panels to boot!  That’s right, if you don’t vote Democrat there will be a freeze on your annual Cost of Living Adjustment for Social Security.  Medicare will be stripped of funding, and you will be left out in the cold, eating cat food and waiting to die.  So get out and vote for My party to make sure that there are no Medicare cuts, no Social Security freezes, and no death panels!

Finally, I expect you to do all you can to ensure My victory in November.  You need to vote Democrat.  You need to take your friends and family and have them vote Democrat instead.  Maybe you could offer them a prize or incentive to get out and vote for Me.  Many of you have pets (especially you “eccentric” senior ladies and your cats).  Well remember, pets are people too!  Just go down to your local Democratic Party HQ and they’ll make sure fluffy gets her absentee ballot.  They can even fill it out for you!

Looking forward to seeing your smiling faces at my next rally.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

P.S.  I really hate to have to say it, but some of these polls I’ve seen force me to bring it up.  Are you a bunch of racists?  If not, then it’s time to prove it.  Remember, vote Democrat to prove you are not a gun-toting, Bible-clinging, racist, homophobe, xenophobe, redneck who wants to kill old people and children and go back to the old United States of Amerikkka.  

Monday, October 11, 2010

Can Harry Reid cut a deal?

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Dear Senator Reid,

Well, I must say, I’m a bit nonplussed at these latest poll numbers.  It is, quite frankly, looking rather grim for you this November.

If you will refer to the terms of our previous contractual arrangement (page 512, paragraph 103, line 49) you will see that failure on your part to secure re-election stipulates that your contract shall be due for full and immediate payment to the principal member of this firm.  You have, of course, been in the Senate for twenty-four years now, the normal amount of time we allot for such contracts. I should add that our principal and founding member is rightly well-known for being a stickler in these matters.

Please refrain from protesting about the terms being “unfair”.  I have heard more than enough of that prattle to last me several eternities down here.  As you well recall (and I do have the video, audio and spectral documentation to prove it) you were allowed to select the Republican candidate of your choice to face in the general election, in return for which you guaranteed to keep Nevada’s Senate seat on Our Side.  You assured us that Sharon Angle would be a suitably weak opponent, and that you would offer her up as a “sacrificial lamb”.

You should also remember my STRONG warnings against taking a “sacrificial lamb” for granted, and the havoc such individuals have been known to cause for Our Side.  You assured me that such would not be the case.  Yet look at you now, grovelling before us and asking for “more time” and “another chance”.  I assure you, Ours is not the side which dispenses grace.  It appears you are on the verge of losing the Senate seat which represents Our Great Bastion, Sin City itself, to the thrice-cursed other side!  Do you think we will look kindly on such incompetence?  This pathetic “sacrificial lamb” you requested and received opposes Our Beautiful Culture of Death, making all sorts of ridiculous arguments for the “sanctity of life” and such nonsense.  She defends the hateful doctrine of “human rights” and “freedom”, all of which she attributes to some “creator”!  How dare you lose Our Great Stronghold to her!

So, Senator Reid, you wish to make a new deal, when we already own you?  Very well.  I will propose a new deal for you if you lose this seat to the thrice-cursed other side.  Following the November election, there will be a “lame duck” session of your Congress and Senate before the servants of the other side can take over their stolen seats.  In this “lame duck” session you will perform Our Will as never before.  Deeds which would have caused even Barney Frank or Charlie Rangel pause will be your hallmark.  You will enact law after law, stripping every last freedom from this benighted country of yours, until the foolish bitter clingers among your countrymen finally realize how pathetic their futile “faith” is and surrender to our cause.  Do this, and perhaps we can offer you an extension before we take Full and Final possession of that which was yours but is now ours.  Fail us in this, and the execution of our terms will be even more exacting than before.

I’ll have my people fax the paperwork over to your people.  Remember to have it notarized, and for crying out loud, get it back to me before Friday night.  I hate having to mess with this stuff on the weekend.  Say hi to Rory for me.  Looks like that one could have a GREAT future with the firm himself.

Your friend and admirer,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Barney Frank 2010

From the Desk of Congressman Bahney Fwank:

Deah Votuh,

Once again it is Octobuh, time foh my favowite howiday, Hawwowween. And this yeah ahm back as that wonduhful economist, Count Faguwa.

I, Count Faguwa, have wearned the secwet of economic sucthess: put the thuck in sucthess! I will thuck and thuck and thuck until I thuck the economy dwy. No one cane thuck it dwy like I
can!

My faiful minions at Fweddie and Fannie know aww about this. They line the people up foh me and I thuck out all de money. I have been pwacticing my technique foh many yeahs, and I can pwomise you, nobody thucks it like I, Count Faguwa.
 
So if you want a congwessthing that can keep up on the wight twack, who can make thure things thtay just as they alwayths do, wemebuh to vote for Count Faguwa to go back to congwess dis fall.

Ah heah dat dis wittle tea-bagguh thinks he can wetire me. Well, I have newth for him. I knew aww about tea-baggin’ before he wath evah bohn. I am the mastuh of all tea-baggin’. I, Count Faguwa, will save the Democwat pahty by out-tea-baggin’ the Tea-bagguhs. Nobody can thuck an economy dwy wike I can, and nobody can tea-bag wike I can. So wemembuh, if you weally wike tea-baggin’, vote foh I, Count Faguwa!

Sintherely,

Congwesspuhson Bahney “Count Faguwa” Fwank

Sunday, October 10, 2010

No Social Security COLA in 2011

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Senior Voters,

As you unfortunately may have heard two weeks prior to these important mid-term elections, there will be no cost of living adjustment for those of you living on social security in 2011, just as there was none in 2010.  I would like to take a few minutes of your time to explain to you why this has happened, and what can be done about it.

First of all, let me assure you that this is in no way the fault of Myself, My administration, or the Democratic Party in general.  I am aware that those nefarious tea-baggers have attempted to take advantage of your admittedly reduced mental faculties (I know that old-timers disease gets a lot of you, and then you want to vote Republican) to try to convince you this is My fault.  Well, as anyone without dementia can see, this is CLEARLY the Republicans fault.

No, TARP, the stimulus bill, the automakers’ bailout, the teachers’ union bailout, and the upcoming California/Pennsylvania public sector union bailouts had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that the federal government will not be able to increase your monthly check.  As my good friend P. Krugman has explained in depth many times, deficit spending actually brings the economy roaring back.  After all, had we not passed My stimulus bill, unemployment would have passed eighteen percent, just as I predicted (please ignore the misprints that claimed I said “eight” percent, they are entirely false).  In fact, all this extra spending is the only reason so many of your children, grand-children, great-grand-children and what not still have jobs to pay social security taxes to support you at the current level.  So you should be thankful I’ve been able to keep this pathetic country afloat at all.

Just as the Republicans cut your Medicare payments to fund new health care for illegal aliens (yes, it WAS the Republicans who did that), so it is the Republicans who have refused to provide extra money for social security.  Why, just the other day, that great american N. Pelosi was telling me how she tried to keep Congress in session to vote for increases in Social Security payments, but the Republicans insisted on adjourning early to go home and campaign because they’re so worried about how we’re going to thrash them in this election.  So remember, it was the REPUBLICANS who slashed Medicare by five-hundred billion dollars, and it was the  REPUBLICANS who voted to adjourn early without increasing your Social Security benefits.

Now, on a related topic, I hear a lot of you have been worrying yourselves about this end-of-life counseling provision in the new health care for all already healthy seniors law.  Some of you have even been talking about so-called “death panels”.  Well, tell me, who did you hear about “death panels” from, anyway?  That’s right, it was Sarah Palin.  A REPUBLICAN.  So remember, if you’re staying up all night worrying about death panels, it was a REPUBLICAN who came up with them.

So to wrap things up, remember, it was REPUBLICANS who adjourned early and didn’t raise your Social Security benefits, it was REPUBLICANS who cut Medicare by five-hundred billion to finance health care for illegal aliens, and it was REPUBLICANS who came up with death panels for old people.  So get out there and vote those evil Republicans out of office.  And while you’re at it, please remember that thanks to My new, expanded Patriot-Act II I can cross-reference your Social Security number with your voting record and adjust your waiting period to see a doctor appropriately.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Jerry Brown endorsed for CA governor by NOW

From the desk of National Organization for Womyn Terry O’Neill:

Dear NOW Members,

I have received several inquiries of late as to our endorsement of Jerry Brown for Governor of California over Meg Whitman.  Specifically, many of you have expressed some dismay that we at NOW have chosen to endorse a man over a fellow woman, along with allegations that the man in question has used anti-womyn slurs.  Please allow me to allay your concerns in this matter.

Firstly, it was not Attorney General Brown himself who called Whitman a “whore”.  As we have now learned, that word was actually uttered by Brown’s wife, Anne Gust Brown.  Having learned that it was Mrs. Brown who leveled the accusation, we may safely conclude that A.G. Brown has no guilt in the matter.

Furthermore, I would like to point out that Whitman is actually running as a Republican.  This makes the use of the word “whore”, usually an insult, entirely acceptable in context.  Quite frankly, any woman who sells her sisters out by running on the Republican ticket has earned the sobriquet of “whore” for herself in spades.  Alternately, perhaps Mrs. Brown was simply suggesting that Whitman has been employed as a sex worker in the past.  We have our investigators looking into that possibility with all due diligence at this time.

Aside from the unnecessarily ruffled feathers of those of you who naively objected the “whore” remark, we have perfectly good reasons to endorse A.G. Brown for Governor.  A.G. Brown has stressed that not only is he STRONGLY pro-choice, he will also strive to ensure that low-income womyn have state funding made available to them for abortion services.  Obviously this is an extremely important reason for NOW to endorse a man over a fellow woman.  There are, of course, many other reasons as well.  We’ll get back to you on those.

Thank you for your continued support in the face of Republican patriarchal oppression,

NOW President Terry O’Neill

P.S.  Sarah Palin is a b****. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

President Obama exhorts General Petraeus

From the Desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear General Betrayus,

Okay David, just had to slip that one in. Just so you know there’s no hard feelings over that old newspaper ad, you know. Believe me, you and the troops really do have my full support. One-hundred percent full support, you’ve got it all right. Says so right here on the teleprompter.

At any rate, let’s get down to business. What is it with this business about killing some more guys over the border in Pakistan? How many times do I have to tell you, I want this kept small, local and quiet? I’ve heard quite enough about how the “enemy” (I really HATE that word) runs over the border. Well, General, that’s what you want them to do. Then they’re not a problem any more. And no, I have no idea what Cambodia has to do with this discussion. Where the h*** is Cambodia anyway, somewhere over by Mongolia?

Please do not EVER deign to lecture me about “lessons from Viet Nam” ever again. Let me explain the real lessons of Viet Nam to you. You got your butt kicked, which is pretty much what an imperialist nation like this had coming, and after you were gone the people there were a lot better off. I know this is true, I see it on CNN all the time.

Look, we both have to make the best of a bad situation here, okay? You know just as well as I do that crazy cowboy W. started this whole mess. I expect you to keep a lid on things until I can get through this November. If you can’t get that done, I’ll get somebody else. Not like it would be the first time. While you’re at it, quit complaining about supply lines for the troops. You can good and well make do with what you’ve got and be grateful for it. From what I hear a lot of those Taliban guys have less than you do, and look how well they’re doing.

At any rate, I just wanted to touch base and let you know you have my full, undivided support. Now don’t screw anything up before the election.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Vice President Joe Biden promises to “play Hell” if Dems lose 2010 mid-terms

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/10/08/biden_if_we_lose_were_going_to_play_hell.html

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Dear Vice President Biden,

Well, I must admit, you certainly have a way with words.  Most of the time we here at the firm prefer a more subtle approach.  It usually does little good to let the other side know your true intentions before you make your move.  That being said, I was gratified to see that your audience was most receptive.  The fact that they so enthusiastically accepted the idea of Hell on Earth is a great comfort to many in the lower levels of the firm.  The fact that they actually prefer to rule in Hell rather than serve the other side was especially pleasing to The Founder of our Great Firm, who said that it reminded him of the “good old nights” when he first founded our great institution.

Now, since you have vowed to “play Hell”, kindly allow someone who knows what that is all about to give you a few pointers.  Please do pay close attention; while you used the word “play”, the execution of a plan to bring Hell to Earth is anything but “playful”.

Action one:  Obama’s Civilian Security Corps.  During the previous election, your President promised to establish a civilian security corps which would be answerable to him and would be equal in size and power to the U.S. military.  The lower management of our firm was positively delighted with this promise; needless to say they have been QUITE disappointed that this initiative has not yet been carried out.  It must proceed post-haste.  Please be assured that this force is equipped with a proper uniform, with either a black or brown shirt (those snazzy New Black Panther Party outfits might be a good starting place) and appropriate levels of authority.  One thing here:  make sure that this new force does not take the same thrice-cursed oath of office as the current U.S. military officers.  The oath that U.S. military officers take to uphold your thrice-cursed Constitution is nothing but an impediment to our goals, and the fact that the overwhelming majority of those officers take that oath seriously and are willing to fight to defend it causes us no end of consternation.  Instead, make sure your new Civilian Security Service takes an oath of loyalty directly to the President.  It is of the utmost importance that their oath be to a man (albeit one who is more than a man, as we all know and acknowledge down here) and not to some ridiculous set of laws.

2.  By whatever means necessary, protect the gains already made, especially Obamacare.  Our actuarial department has determined that the more rapidly and fully this program is implemented, the more quickly Hell will come to Earth.  Under no circumstances must you allow the forces of the other side to circumscribe this grand project.  Of especial importance are provisions allowing for the Ultimate Right of free access to abortion upon demand, including up to three months after live birth, and the termination of medical assistance privileges to those individuals to elderly, weak or infirm to carry their own weight in society.  Once you make sure that these programs are firmly in place and accepted by the populace, Hell  on Earth will follow in short order.

3.  Much of your opposition is coming from those religious fanatics who actually believe in such ridiculous superstitions as a “resurrection”, “atonement” by some so-called “Christ”, and such like, while bitterly clinging to their ridiculous, out-dated Bibles.  It’s time to put an end to that.  We have out-sourced the IRS to you for a reason.  If these “churches” continue with their teachings on “pro-life”, “marriage”, etc. which are in opposition to your legitimate governmental authority, have their tax-exempt status revoked, then tax them out of existence.  If they object, or try to resist, we can provide assistance from the BATF as well.  Just get them out of our hair, and once again Hell on Earth is sure to follow.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful, by which I mean you should implement them immediately.  Do not delay until the new Congress is sworn in next January.  The lame duck session is there for a reason.  Please remember, failure to deliver on your promises to our grand firm would constitute a breach of contract.  I hope I do not have to remind you what THAT could mean.

Sincerely,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Friday, October 8, 2010

President Obama promises “hand to hand combat” if Republicans win 2010 mid-terms

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
January 23, 2011

Dear Democratic Congresspersons,

I wish to advise you of my supreme disappointment with the performance of our party in the election last November.  Now that the Republicans hold a forty-five seat majority in the House of Representatives, as well as controlling fifty-three Senate seats, my aides tell Me that My agenda will have to be curtailed.  Quite frankly, this is unacceptable.  Regardless of the cost in blood and treasure, My agenda, which will be for the Ultimate Greater Good, must go forward.

Since we no longer hold the numerical advantage necessary to advance our agenda through normal parliamentary procedures, I have been forced to resort to more drastic measures.  Thus I am instituting a policy of hand-to-hand combat when dealing with the enemies of My Greatness, the thrice-cursed Republicans.

I am well aware that some of you are beginning to lose courage in My Grand Design.  I realize that some of you, being aware of the fact that I had previously promised hand-to-hand combat in these circumstances, have begun to traitorously whisper that the outcome of such a tactic is in doubt; some of you even expressed the heretical thought the Republicans, those jackal sons of monkeys, might prevail.  Allow Me to address the fears of your feeble hearts in this matter.

First of all, yes, I am aware of the incident that took place November 2nd in Florida, concerning a former Army Lt. Colonel by the name of Allen West, who has since been elected to congress.  Yes, I am aware of what happened to the members of Our Brethren, the members of the New Black Panthers Party, who attempted to intercept Colonel West at the polling office while addressing him as an “Uncle Tom” (which, quite frankly, I find completely justified in the case of ANY person of color running as a Republican) while waving a nightstick in his general direction.  I am well aware of Colonel West’s unbelievable overreaction, and no, I would not have thought it would be possible to turn a nightstick sideways and shove it that far up any orifice of the human body.  Rest assured, however, I have been assured by local medical professionals that all six of the New Black Panthers are expected to regain the use of most of their upper body within a year.  And yes, I am aware that an internal poll conducted by our minority leaders has indicated that you will not engage Colonel West in hand-to-hand combat even if you outnumber him twenty to one.  Fair enough.  Perhaps we can schedule the combat for a day when Colonel West will be absent from chambers.

I am also aware that many of you are concerned that the elections of Jesse Kelly, Nick Popaditch and Duncan Hunter will prove disastrous to My Plan.  I speak the Truth to Power when I say that I abhor your cowardice.  Somebody tell Nancy Pelosi to man up!  I assure you, I have it on good authority, that the so-called “training” these men went through during their time as US Marines is entirely overrated, and that you will easily overcome them if you stick together.  I am tired of this whining and crying.  Have I not led you to one legislative success after another?  And now, that so many of you have, through your own fault, let Me down by losing your seats, the remainder refuses to fight?  Cowards!

In response to the other question I received:  No, I will not be available to personally lead you into hand-to-hand combat against these Republican swine.  It would not be fitting for the Office I hold to be seen engaged in fisticuffs with that rabble.  Which is why it is up to you to take care of it for Me, just as you have done My bidding in the past.  Now get to it!

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Lisa Murkowski explains her write-in Senate candidacy

From the desk of Senator Lisa Murkowski:

Dear Voter,

In light of recent events, I have taken stock of our relationship and decided that I must be the better person. As a result I am here to let you know I am willing to take you back.

I know you have been under a lot of stress lately, and as a result were led astray by those pathetic tea-baggers. I am, however, willing to forgive you and let bygones be bygones. Just remember, it’s spelled M-U-R-K-O-W-S-K-I. Try and get it right this time, okay?

Now if we’re going to make this relationship work, there’s something you have GOT to understand. You have GOT to quit letting your head get turned around every time you see that b**** Palin shaking her little tush at you. Seriously, grow up. I am willing to take you back this time, but if I catch you ogling her again, I WILL CUT IT OFF!!!!!!!!

Okay, look, I know you have your problems. But this is MY seat. My daddy bought and paid for it fair and square. If you don’t like it, go get your own. Seriously, if you are going to make this relationship work, you have to go by the rules.

Okay, I know, you get a little bored sometimes and want something else. That happens in all relationships, so I’ll tell you what: You know that thing, that special thing, the one you’ve been wanting but I wouldn’t do for you? Well since I’m going to be the better person, I’ll go ahead and do it now, just as long as you come on back. That’s right, whatever you want, just remember it’s spelled M-U-R-K-O-W-S-K-I. And you had better not be thinking about that b**** Palin when you do, OR I WILL CUT IT OFF!!!!!!!!!

Love Forever,

Senator for Life Lisa Murkowski

Andrew Cuomo wants your vote

From the desk of Andrew Cuomo:

Dear Voter,

It has come to my attention that large numbers of you are actually considering giving your vote to that windbag a****** Paladino this November. First and foremost, I would like to stress to each of you f****** morons who is thinking about voting for that s***head Paladino that I completely respect your right to vote, even if you’re completely f****** in the head. That being the case, there are a few things we need to talk about before the election.

Did you know that it’s now possible to cross-reference your state tax form with your voter i.d.? Sure, it’s old technology. So while you’re voting for the candidate of your choice, event that f***w**,d********, c********* Paladino, please remember that it just MIGHT be POSSIBLE that the Attorney General can see who you voted for and cross reference it with your tax i.d. I know, I know, some people scream about “privacy” all the time, but only criminals really worry about that. If you’re doing the right thing, and hey, we’re all gonna do the right thing here, okay, then you don’t have to worry about privacy.

On an unrelated issue, let’s talk about yard signs. I see a few of you dumba**** have Paladino signs out in the yards in front of your bedbug infested dumps. You do know we have imminent domain around here, right? I’d hate it if your neighbors or somebody started filing a complaint about your property just because of a stupid f******* Paladino sign in the yard, and then there was an inspection, and then your property got condemned. Not that it would be connected to the election, but s*** happens, you know.

On the other hand, say you had a couple of nice Cuomo yard signs out front sprucing the place up. Why that could actually INCREASE your property values, not to mention drive down crime by the very mention of my name. So if somebody was having trouble with the local code board, say, and had a couple of MY signs out front, then the A.G.’s office could explain to those yokels how things really worked. You know what I mean.

Anyway, these are just a few thoughts I wanted to share with you headed into November. Have a nice f******* day.

Sincerely,

Future Governor Andrew Cuomo

President Obama’s letter to the troops

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Military Service Person,

It has come to my attention that some of you are as yet unclear on the purpose for your current deployment. This is a mystery to me, as I have communicated my intentions quite clearly for some time, but I suppose I must accept the fact that your education is not on par with the rest of us, so here it is again.

First and foremost, I must insist that you dispense with any notion of “victory” immediately. This stubborn insistence on “victory”, especially by those of you lunkheads in the Marine Corps and Army Infantry, is completely inappropriate, and if it continues, will be disciplined by court martial if necessary. You are NOT, I repeat NOT, to concern yourself with any type of “victory”. This single-minded pursuit of the Western, hegemonic, racist, islamaphobic notion of “victory” will not win over the hearts and minds of the Afghan people. Furthermore, this misguided notion of seeking “victory” over supposed “enemies” will only continue to be a recruitment tool for various extremist groups who may perpetrate violence in response.

Furthermore, to those of you who are officers in command positions, I am sick and tired of hearing about “force protection” and “overly cautious” rules of engagement. It pains me to see that even though I have ascended to Commander in Chief your troops are still a bunch of trigger happy rednecks, no doubt mostly from inner Pennsylvania and Arkansas, probably bitterly clinging to some notion of “honor” along with their guns and Bibles. Quite frankly, it seems that most of you need some extensive re-education, especially those of you with the Marine Corps and Army Infantry. So make sure your troops get their minds right, and let go of some of these antiquated, hegemonic, racist, male-dominated notions, or I promise you there will be the New York Times to pay.

Other than that, please know that you have my full and unwavering support.

Your Commander in Chief and President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

President Obama consoles William Ayers upon his denial of tenure by the University of Illinois

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Bill,

I was very disturbed to learn of your recent difficulty with the University of Illinois, and wish to assure you that Eric Holder will be looking into the matter with all due alacrity. I believe it might behoove us to have Tim Geithner’s people in the IRS looking into the matter as well; nothing sends a message like an audit.

After reflecting on our conversation the other day, I have a couple of pieces of advice to offer regarding your current problems. First of all, please remember that this is NOT 1974. Certain solutions you have mentioned to this problem would NOT go over well at the present time. While your outrage is justified, expressing it in this manner would be a real problem for my November plans.

As to my second point: It will, of course, soon be November. And of course October comes just before November. And of course there are always “surprises” this time of year. Just be sure the surprise is directed at an appropriate target. A target that will generate sympathy for those of us slaving away in government service, not some tea-bagger nutbags. We can take care of them AFTER November. Rezko gave me a couple of numbers to call, you know, so things WILL get handled.

In the meantime, keep your eyes on the prize. This is just a little setback. You’ve had them before. Maybe you could suggest that it’s really a problem with Islamaphobia. After all, wasn’t Sirhan a Palestinian? Start shouting that and racism loud enough, and the university will probably reverse itself in no time.

Finally, about that OTHER thing. As we’ve discussed, the vote may not go our way in November. Fortunately, your wonderful Prairie Fire Companion (got one right here where that stupid bust of Churchill used to be) has some great recommendations for that sort of problem. I’ve already been talking them over with certain people. And like our good friend in Turkey pointed out, you can always get off the train once democracy has gotten you to where you’re going. So don’t let them get you down over this. Just make sure you get all their names.

Your Friend and Admirer,

President B. Hussein Obama

The Episcopalians weigh in on immigration (and other matters)

From the desk of the Very Right Reverend Mary Moonbeam Black Crow O’Shaunessy-Mitchell:

Dear Congregants,

It has come to my attention that we as a nation (although not we as a congregation if this might cause any offense to any of OUR faithful flock) that our fellow Americans are not as openly accepting of the huddled masses as we ourselves are. Indeed, on observing this phenomenon, I often offer a prayer of thanks to Gaia that I am not as this Baptist preacher across the street, who not only persists in his abominable screeds against abortion, but persists in having THREE (ugh!) children and driving a SUV. Clearly, many so-called “Christians” in our community have utterly failed to realize the eschatology of the Gnostic Gospels (copies of which you can find on the back table, in front of the tracts on separating paper and plastics in our recyclables) requires that we encourage a zero-growth population strategy. Of course we cannot be so racist, hegemonic and colonialist as to insist that our new arrivals from Mexico do the same; it is of the utmost necessity that we show the utmost tolerance for their cultural norms, regardless of how different from our own. Once again, in my daily meditation to the Great Wheel of Destiny, I give thanks that I am not like that Baptist blowhard across the street.

Of course, this leads naturally to my next topic: Fees for our landscaping service. I have been informed that Eco-Green Lawns, LLC, will be our new service provider for upkeep of the grounds. Although this provider has advised us they cannot provide the customary guarantee we have received in the past against pests and vermin, they will provide us with a guarantee that all their work is Earth Friendly, which is, of course, our primary concern. Just remember, should we actually have a visitor with children, we should remind them that the children should stay indoors since we cannot assure they would not be bitten by fire ants, ticks, chiggers, etc. Krishna only knows what our liability would be in such a case. Fortunately, I cannot remember the last time we had any children in this building. Once again, I thank Buddha we are not like those Baptists.

In regards to the question placed in my inquiry box: I do believe this is a hoax, but I will treat it seriously. No, our national obligation to hospitality to immigrants across our (illegitimate) Southern border does NOT mean that we actually have to allow them to live in OUR own houses. Please understand, and I am tired of repeating this, hospitality is a NATIONAL, not a PERSONAL obligation. The very thought of those hordes of sweaty brows, with all their snot-nosed children (ugh!). And yes, I am aware that the Baptist preacher across the street has actually taken a couple of their kids into his house and is trying to arrange for their education. Well, all I can say is I once again thank the Earth Spirits of Wicca that I am not as that Baptist.

May Our Non-Gender Specific Originator of Undetermined Origin Keep You in Its Care,

The Very Right Reverend Mary Moonbeam Black Crow O’Shaunessy-Mitchell

President Obama explains his religion to the Tea Party

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Tea-bagger party people,

Although you, the great unwashed, are unworthy, I will explain to you that I, President B. Hussein Obama, am neither sophomoric nor subjective in my embrace of the precepts of Jesus of Nazareth.
After a quick perusal of the New Testament (which I must admit I read over the objections of my good friend and mentor, Rev. J. Wright) I realized that the precepts of Jesus were Directly Applicable to Me. Allow me to enlighten your feeble mind to whatever degree possible.

First, Jesus said he was “the way, the truth and the light”, which was doubtlessly to some extent true for his generation. Just so, I, B. Hussein Obama, am The Way, The Truth, and The Light for this generation, and for all to follow once I implement my full agenda. Truly no one will come to the great father of us all, cradle to grave sustenance from a caring federal government, except through ME.

Jesus also had to suffer persecution. If only he had known how much more I would have to endure in THIS generation. Sure, he had folks mock him some, but I have to deal with the Great Satan, FOX NEWS, and truly their demons are legion (Beck, Hannity, O’Reilly; or the Three Fools as I like to call them) and they persecute Me without cause or care. And how could those pathetic scribes and Pharisees compare to the rabble-filled hordes of Tea-baggers that hound me and my faithful disciples all across this nation? Truly, I am persecuted even more than Jesus, and thus am shown to be More Worthy. As to that business about a cross, my good friend Rev. J. Wright assures me that part is purely apocryphal and has no real bearing on the meaning of the New Testament.

Jesus was also a healer in his day. Well, he healed a few, and seemed kind of hit and miss to tell the truth. I, B. Hussein Obama, will exceed him in this regard once my marvelous health care system is in place. Jesus may have been the great physician, I will be The Greatest Physician, and all will love and worship me when the see my benevolence.

Of course, many of you less-enlightened “Christians” persist in the medieval superstition about Jesus being raised from the dead, which is not only utter nonsense, but, I have been assured by my good friend and spiritual guide Rev. J. Wright, really has nothing to do with the main message of the gospels. Well, I will show you a real miracle, a sign if you must have it, for even though Rasmussen, Gallup and their ilk have blasphemed My Great Name in publishing poor poll numbers of alleged individuals claiming to disapprove of my performance, soon this will reverse. My poll numbers will rise from the grave just before election day, the people’s love for me will be universal, and my disciples shall be vindicated at the ballot box. Just wait and see.

Now tea-bagger, I give you one final admonition. You have spoken evil of The True Messiah of this age. Thus you must repent. DOWN ON YOUR KNEES FOR ME! YOU AND ALL YOUR PITIFUL TEA-BAGGER FRIENDS WILL BOW BEFORE ME! PRAY THAT I WILL BE MERCIFUL TO THE IMPERTINENCE YOU HAVE SHOWN AGAINST MY MOST HOLY NAME!

Meantime, have a nice day.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Rick Sanchez to Replace Charlie Gibbs at White House

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Mr. Sanchez,

As you may have heard, my great friend and supporter Charlie Gibbs is feeling a bit worn out and is considering taking a hiatus from his job as press secretary. While I was pondering whom I should appoint as his successor, it came to may attention that your services are now available, as you have severed your ties with CNN. Thus, I would like to ask you to consider the position of White House Press Secretary. Quite frankly, I think that you would be perfect for the job.

First of all, I would like to point out that many of the difficulties that led to poor Charlie’s exhaustion will not be a problem much longer. As you are only to well aware from your time at CNN, the Great Satan Fox News has been making life quite difficult for honorable journalists such as yourself as well as honorable public servants such as myself. Hence you can see how we might have a common enemy, as Rupert Murdoch’s cancer cuts into your profits and my popularity. Fortunately, Tim Geithner, a true genius if there ever was one, has assured me there will be no Constitutional problem with providing funding for some of Fox’s competitors, to even the playing field, so to speak. Additionally, my people at the FCC assure me that there isn’t any REAL reason they cannot begin to regulate cable and satellite news broadcasts to make sure there is more fairness in the system, both for CNN and MSNBC (who will receive more “broadcast credits” than Fox in the new rationing system) and for the public, who will be guaranteed a REAL fair and balanced newscast as we here in Washington resurrect the Fairness Doctrine.

In reviewing your resume, furthermore, I see that you understand many of the problems facing our country on a deep, personal level. You understand that if you are a minority you can never get a fair shake. Good, good, I can use you here. You understand the Jewish conspiracy. Yes, I know, they forced you to apologize. Well don’t worry, once you’re here in Washington you won’t have to do that anymore. My good friend and mentor, the Rev. J. Wright, has warned me quite well about ” ‘dem Jews” as he loves to put it. He’s also offered to let me borrow a new book he’s been reading, something about Protocols and Zion. Maybe we could make it our next pick for the White House Book Club.

I also see that you have the right nose for truth. I see that you were willing to out Rush Limbaugh for the racist bigot he really is when few others dared to do so. The fact that your comrades in the press corps failed to fully back you just shows how much work we have to do. But at least you understood the truth, and were willing to present it, even if you had to do some editorial work with Limbaugh’s comments to make it work. But that is just the kind of real journalism we need here in Washington, and for the rest of the country. Which is why I think you, Rick Sanchez, will make the next great White House Press Secretary. I’m prepared to make you an offer you can’t refuse. See you soon.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

Michael Steele on 2010 elections

From the desk of Michael Steele:

Dear Fellow Republicans,

While I was reading my morning copy of the Washington Post the other day (a fine paper, which I find second only to the New York Times) it came to my attention that many public opinion polls are finding our Grand Old Party with a significant lead in generic polling. While this may initially seem gratifying, I believe we should at the situation with a gimlet eye.

First of all, are we really ready to rule? After all, many of our finest eldest statespersons (can’t leave out Lisa!) will no longer be with us. Without Senators Murkowski or Bennet, or the fine governorship of Charlie Crist, or the congressional leadership of Mike Castle I truly doubt the Republicans are ready to govern this fine nation.

My next point of concern is this overly-rowdy Tea Party movement. While I am gratified to see that they are currently voting for Republican candidates, I am concerned over their romantic notions of actually being able to choose those candidates themselves. We here at the RNC have spent years in the system, paying our dues to advance through the party. We have spent large sums of money to locate and recruit fine, upstanding legislators of moderate demeanor, who will be non-threatening to the voting public. To have these Tea Partiers reject our choices through this ridiculous primary system is, quite frankly, a bit tedious and offensive. These people have quite simply got to learn their place. Still, I suppose that can wait until after the election.

Now as to this matter of a possible majority in Congress and the Senate, I must caution you not to become to optimistic. This wild-eyed exuberance we have been seeing of late is quite simply unbecoming. We are Republicans, after all. We have an image to maintain. This notion of “fighting” for a win is simply to “street” for us, if you know what I mean. We need to remember, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. And we here at the RNC know all about playing the game.

Sincerely,

RNC Chairman Michael Steele

Harry Reid supports “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”

From the Desk of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid:

Dear fellow Democratic Senators:

After reflecting on our current “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, I believe that we should not only keep it in place, but expand it, as it may well increase our chances at electoral success. Here are some areas where we should further implement “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

1) Medicare cuts to fund Obamacare. I understand that off year elections are heavily influenced by the “senior” (old fart) vote. Due to misrepresentation by the press, many of these seniors have come to believe we are cutting $500 billion from Medicare to fund Obamacare. Some of them have even heard about the compassion committees that will determine when they have used enough resources. I strongly suggest using a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in regards to any questions about Medicare cuts are alleged “rationing” to fund Obamacare.

2) TARP. Many voters have been quite upset by the funds we provided to save the banking industry. Being the yokel rubes that they are, they fail to see how our taking more of our own money from them to save failing banks is actually good for taxpayers. Rather than trying to explain this to them for the umpteenth time, simply implement a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about any federal bailouts for struggling industry. Let’s face it, they’re just plain too dumb to understand it anyway.

3) Our President. While we understand that Our Dear Fearless Leader has brought a new period of understanding and reconciliation to our nation, many of those who have yet to receive His true enlightenment are still distrustful of Him. Thus, on any question of whether we support Our Great Leader Obama, I suggest a policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, however painful that may be for some of us.

4) “Lame duck session”. Some snide prognosticators have actually suggested that many of us will lose our bids for re-election. While I realize this is a laughable idea, we have begun to receive questions about whether we would proceed with our agenda “against the will of the people” (as if!) in a “lame-duck” session. Once again, simply for the purpose of avoiding ugly scenes at those dreadful town-hall meetings, I strongly suggest a policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

Your Fearless Master and Commander of the Senate,

Harry Reid

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TOV Rose is the author of several books, including The New Messianic Version of the Bible; The Book of GOD: For Men; The Spiritual Roots of Disease, The Book of GOD: Genesis Unbound; The Paranormal Seams of the Hebrew Bible, The Fall of the American Babylon and more.

Tov is a Conference Speaker, Author, Bible Teacher, Chaplain, Performer and Pastor. For more than two decades he has been active working with people to help them better understand the nature and person God.

When not writing books and all those other things, he enjoys quiet times at home with his wife, children and praying together with a group of grandmothers who have the uncanny knack of being able to bend God’s ear.

Specializing in teaching the deeper things of God, TOV has a reputation for teaching solid Bible foundations and difficult to understand Biblical concepts in a compassionate simple manner that anyone can understand. He is not one to shy away difficult and taboo subjects.

TOV guests on radio programs, television shows and speaks at conferences, seminars, in local congregations and other venues.